Good morning folks,
Today I am going to be really transparent with you. I have been doing deep introspection lately, just trying to deal with ME, face my issues…do what I have to do to improve myself. I have been reflecting on my relationship with God, my purpose, and my vision. Just doing some deep thinking. As I have been on this journey, God has been revealing things to me about my character, deep rooted issues, and about my heart. And man…the things he has revealed to me….wow.
In life, one thing I am learning is that we all have to face harsh realities from time to time. We can go through life with the facade that everything is ok. When inside you are tore up. Well, I am at a point in my life where I am tired of wearing the facade. When I discover an issue, I am going to own up to it and deal with it so that I will be able to move on to the next thing. Not only does my life depend on it, but the lives of those who are assigned to my voice as far as leadership is concerned and my future husband and children. I want to be complete for myself and for them. I want to be in the place where God is most pleased with me.
There was a song by babyface that I really liked back in the day called the Loneliness. I thought about that title as I was writing this, because this is the latest thing that I have been dealing with…Loneliness. Now, if you know me, I’m not a poplar person…don’t care to be. I don’t mind being by myself, I actually like to be to myself at times, and I’m not desperate for attention. I know you are thinking, well you are not lonely then. LOL. Yea, I have fooled myself by saying that. I actually have attained a busy loneliness (term used by my sister Gabby…:-) ). I am out here, doing things..trying to stay busy, so that I don’t deal with the loneliness that i feel on the inside. Life is changing all around me, and I feel alone in some ways, because some things aren’t happening for me just yet. I do realize that everything happens in God’s timing…and I am ok with that, but I had to ask God yesterday, what do I do with this? How do I not be lonely? Why am I lonely
I realize that you can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. You can be in a relationship with someone and still be lonely. The main thing that I had to realize was that my loneliness does not come from not having people around me…it comes from me not communing like I should with the God that lives within me. The Bible says in James 4:8-10 KJV:
“Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double-minded. Be afflicted and mourn and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to heaviness. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.”
One thing that we don’t often realize is that we tend to operate out of the issues that we have. I watched the Iyanla, Fix my life reaction episode this weekend about the effects of being a fatherless son. Many of the men that were represented on the show had many children. Many of whom they were not connected with. It turns out that they were creating children with women….that they weren’t necessarily wanting to be connected to…but they connected with them physically to fill a void that they were missing on the inside. Alot of them were seeking love in the wrong places. She also talked with the women too…a lot of the women who dealt with these men were also fatherless daughters..and they were broken…looking to fill a void in their lives as well.
So I had to look at the voids that I was trying to fill in my life. No, I am not a fatherless daugther. I grew up with both parents. The voids that I realized I was trying to fill were self-worth. I wanted to be accepted, validated. I am so much more secure in myself now than I was 5 years ago, but I realize I still have some growing to do. Because if i didn’t then I wouldn’t still exhibit some of my current behaviors. I have been guilty of trying to fill a void with a man. I have made a man my whole world, only to lose him….and then I questioned myself…was I not good enough? Was I not pretty enough? Am I not thin enough? etc. Then I went on to allow men to come into my life, take advantage of me physically, and tear me apart emotionally. I stayed because I didn’t value myself, I didn’t know myself, and I didn’t want to be alone. But yet….I was still lonely.
I will continue on with Part 2 of the Loneliness tomorrow.